Back In The Old Days....
by Athena356
Summary: HEY! I UPDATED! anyone shocked? chap. 13 up now, please r/r! And yeah, it's been a while...soooorry.:)~~Thena
1. The Day Begins

AN: I don't own em. this is set back in the old days, around 1st season. (what can I say, I've been watching old reruns!)  
  
  
"Carter, why aren't you suturing?"  
  
"No one needs to be sutured, Dr. Benton. No one is waiting to be sutured. I was on my way to lunch."  
  
"Well, too bad. There's someone waiting now." Benton pointed to the chairs outside of the suture room, where a man had just sat down. He was holding his hand. Carter groaned and made his way back to the suture room, AKA Carter's room.   
  
"Can't anyone just be careful in this city!" He exclaimed, walking back to where the man sat.   
  
********************  
  
"Susan, we need your help in here!"   
  
"Sorry Mark, I have to get Suzie up to daycare. I'll be down in a few minutes."  
  
"Is Doug around?"  
  
"Yeah, I see him. I'll send him in. Sorry Mark!"  
  
"It's ok, see you later!"  
  
Susan called Doug over and then went to the elevator, holding little Suzie tight. "We'd better get you upstairs, sweetie. Yes, yes, I know you're tired. That's my big girl, ok, it's ok. I'll be up to get you soon. Don't cry Suzie, I'll be up soon. Yes. There we go. Good girl."  
  
They reached the daycare center and Susan looked around. "Look Suzie, it's Bobby. You get to play with Bobby today! OK, OK, don't cry. I have to go to work now. Bye bye Suzie. Be a good girl today!" Susan turned to Annie, the newest member of the daycare staff. "I'll be up whenever I get a chance, and only Mark Greene and I can pick her up. Do NOT let a woman named Chloe take her, whatever you do. I'll take her after my shift, at 3. And don't let her near the little girl in the corner. She makes Suzie cry, I don't know why, but you'd better keep them away from each other. I've got to go, if you need me, page me, here's the number."  
  
"Dr. Lewis, don't worry. Your daughter will be just fine up here. You'd better get downstairs, you'll be late for your shift."  
  
"She's not my..." Susan paused and turned back to Suzie. "Bye bye, I love you. Remember to be a good girl. That's my big girl, no tears." She kissed Suzie's head and handed her gently to Annie. Susan tearfully waved goodbye and left her baby in the hands of the daycare center.  
  
********************  
  
"Carol, give Mr. Johnson some advil and send him home, he's fine. He has a few aches and pains, nothing he can't survive. We need a chem-20 and white count on Mrs. Miller, the lab was supposed to have them back an hour ago and I know you'll be able to get them to hurry the hell up. They don't seem to care what I say."  
  
"Maybe you're just too nice, Dr. Benton." Carol smiled and laughed a little. "Relax, relax, I'll go get your labs for you. Go have some coffee, you look dead."  
  
"That depends, Carol. Will there be any coffee today, or did your nurses drink it all again?"  
  
"I don't know, why don't you go find out. But you're a big boy, I bet you can make your own if there is none."  
  
Peter smiled for the first time in a while. He wasn't usually this friendly with anyone in the ER, he was generally all business. But sometimes Carol's jokes just made him want to joke back. Not often, but sometimes. This was one of those rare occasions. And when Carol had almost died, he'd seen that she needed more people to smile at her every now and then. It was unlike him, but he tried. He didn't want her in the ER as a patient again, especially not unconscious with a barbituate level of 45.   
  
"Thanks Carol. I'll be in Exam 2."  
  
"And I'll be at the admin desk. Come find me in 10 minutes if you want your labs." Carol grinned and headed off to the the lab. Benton watched her and began to laugh quietly, then stopped himself and went into Exam 2, all business once again.   
  
********************  
  
Mark and Doug stood over the child in front of them. He was 8 years old, and his name was Sean O'Brien. He had a tumor in his arm, and Mark and Doug were removing it.   
  
"Suction."   
  
"Mark, can I have those scissors? I need to cut this blue crap some more. Why don't they make child-size sheets! this is covering his whole damn arm!" Doug was referring, of course, to the blue papery things they used right around their incisions_(so sue me, i dunno what they call em...sorry~~Thena)_"Doug, calm down. I just need to get this last bit out, and he'll be OK. We need to take our time and be careful. If we don't get all the cancerous cells out, it'll just come back. Don't be so worried though, Doug, he's going to be OK if we take it slow."   
  
"Yeah, I guess so. OK, I think we got the last of it just then."  
  
Mark examined the boy's arm carefully, then nodded. "OK, let's close it up now. Hew should be OK, the tumor was blocking bloodflow to his lower arm. It's all clear now. See what happens when you take it slowly?"  
  
*********************  
  
Unseen, a woman crept onto the elevator and rode it upstairs. She was looking for someone very important to her, and she knew that this person would be upstairs. She smelled faintly of alcohol and was off balance, but only a little. She was confident no one would question her as she tried to regain her composure and stepped off the elevator calmly........


	2. Close Call

AN: OK, so it's a Susan fic now..so sue me, I changed it(however, those who own the show should not sue me cuz i am makin no money from this and it's all fun...you're done with most of them anyways, can't you just let me borrow them? hehe) AND I know it's "Susie"(the baby) but that gets confusing with "Susan/Susie" the adult, so I am calling the baby "Suzie"  
  
  
Susan looked down at the flashing light on her beeping pager. it was hard to see through the yellow trauma gown. "Sorry Mark, I'd better take that."  
  
"It's ok, Susan, the patient isn't even here yet, go ahead. I'll get Doug."   
  
Susan ripped off the gown and gloves and walked out of trauma 1. She grabbed her pager and immediately turned sheet white, dropping it and letting it clatter noisily to the floor. "MARK! MARK!" She yelled frantically. Mark turned from the inside of the trauma room and saw her panicked face. "Oh my god, OH MY GOD! MARK!" Carol nodded to mark, indicating that there were enough doctors who were on to cover for him and Susan, telling him it was OK to go. She told Haleh to go get Doug and any of the on call doctors, as well as Benton. Mark raced out of the room and looked at Susan's shaking body.   
  
"Susan, what is it?"  
  
"Come with me. Please." She added, running over to the stairs. Mark followed close behind as she headed up towards the daycare center.   
  
"Susan, what is it?" He asked breathlessly when they paused outside the daycare center door.  
  
"It's Chloe." She replied, storming into the daycare center. "Where is she?" Susan asked angrily.  
  
"Dr. Lewis, I had to call you, I'm sorry, but you see...she's over there." Annie saw that Susan didn't need an explanation.   
  
Susan turned and saw Chloe standing angrily by Suzie. Stephanie, a frightened daycare employee, was holding Suzie tightly away from the irate and drunken Chloe.  
  
"Chloe, get away from her!" Susan yelled, stepping forwards towards them.  
  
"Susie, you can't stop me! I am her _ mother_. I deserve to have her!"  
  
"You don't deserve a damn thing! You're a drunk, you're on drugs, and you can't take care of yourself, let alone a baby!"  
  
"What is this, Susie? I this because you don't have anyone to love you, so you need my baby?"  
  
"This is because 'your baby' needs someone to love her!" Susan took Suzie, who was crying and screaming hysterically, from Stephanie. "Thank you, Annie and Stephanie, for getting me. You'll understand if I don't let her stay the rest of the day, she needs to go home."  
  
"Of course, Dr. Lewis. We're sorry."  
  
"You did everything right. It's not you that's the problem. Chloe, I suggest you get the hell out of here. I don't even want to see you anymore, despite the satisfaction of seeing you restrained by security and dragged off to jail, I'd rather you just left. Just leave me and Suzie alone."   
  
Susan turned and comforted the crying baby. She and Mark walked back down the stairs later, Mark still shocked by the scene in the daycare center and all of the other children's frightened faces. Halfway down the stairs, almost back at the emergency room, Susan burst into tears. Mark walked her down a few steps to the landing, where he hugged her and Suzie tightly.   
  
Mark leaned Susan against the wall for support while he gently took Suzie from her, rocking the crying baby as he let Susan lean back on him rather than the hard wall. "Susan...shhhh, it's OK. Chloe's gone, Suzie's here, safe, with us. OK, OK. shhh, it's all OK now." He spoke to her like she spoke to little baby Suzie, but she was too upset and scared to notice. She enjoyed the comfort of his arm around her. She dropped her head to his shoulder, letting his tears fall on his green scrubs.   
  
Mark saw Chloe descending the stairs. She stared longingly at the little scene on the stairs, Mark holding Susan and Suzie. He responded to her by hugging them tighter and glaring at Chloe. She turned her head slightly abd wouldn't look at him directly for a few seconds. But soon her eyes were drawn back to the scene and she had to look once more.   
  
*go* he mouthed to her. *please go*  
  
*i'm sorry. i love her.* Chloe mouthed back  
  
*i know* he replied silently.  
  
Chloe nodded and continued walking downstairs and out into the ambulance bay.   
  
Mark held Suzie and Susan closer, trying not to let on to Susan that anything had happened. She hadn't seen, luckily, she had had her head buried in his shoulder. He stroked Susan's hair gently. He thought of his 'conversation' with Chloe. *i love her*, she had said. But he couldn't tell whether she meant Susan or Suzie.


	3. It's All OK...

AN:hey, guess what, it is suzie, not susie....if you don't believe me watch "take these broken wings" and look at the handprints...hehe, i should change the note on the last chap, but I am quite lazy, so I'll just tell you now, in case you were wondering...  
  
  
Mark finally found the doctor on call. It seemed he hadn't been answering the phone. He'd been hoping he wouldn't have to go to work. Mark made him come in, though, because Susan needed to go home. Thankfully, Mark's shift was over, so he went with her. Susan, Mark, and Suzie went back to Susan's apartment.  
  
"OK Suzie, I think you need a nap...yes, that's my good girl." Suzie settled down in her crib. Within minutes, she was asleep.   
  
"Susan, how are you doing?"  
  
"Scared...Mark, what if she gets Suzie one day? What if I can't stop her?"  
  
"Susan, that will never happen! You watch out for her constantly, and you take such good care of her..it just can't happen."  
  
She turned to him, her eyes tearing. "She almost got her today."  
  
"No! Susan, they...Annie and Stephanie, they wouldn't let her. You know that. Security was on the way....you know it's not true!"   
  
"Mark, what would I DO without her?" She motioned to the sleeping infant who was clutching her treasured "Mr. B." "If Chloe ever took her...or if something happened to her... what would I _do_?"  
  
Mark didn't have an answer for that. He just reached out and hugged her.   
  
"Mark, I keep thinking...maybe Chloe could get sober, if she tried. And maybe she could eventually take care of Suzie. But I don't think I could ever give her back. Mark, I want to be Suzie's mommy. Chloe's right. I'm not having any kids, or meeting anyone anytime soon, with my crazy schedule...maybe Suzie's just my last chance."  
  
"Susan, you just want the best for her. You love her. You look after her well, and she loves you too, Susan. A mother is the one that's there, and you've been a mom to Suzie for her entire life."   
  
"I do love her..." Susan glanced absently at her watch. "Mark, it's almost three, you'd better go. Rachel's going to get home soon."  
  
"Susan, do you want me to stay? I could call Jenn..."  
  
"No, go home. You haven't seen her since yesterday afternoon. And..."  
  
"Yeah, I know. After the divorce I won't be seeing her much. Jenn has her ways of keeping things the way she wants them."  
  
"Mark, you'll see her enough. You have your ways too."  
  
"Maybe. But I should go. See you tomorrow, OK?"  
  
"Sure. Bye Mark!"  
  
The door closed just a little too loudly, and Suzie woke up. She began to cry loudly. Susan walked over and picked her up, walking to the window. She looked out and saw Mark walking down the block to catch the El.   
  
"Shhhhh, Suzie, it's OK. I know, you had a scary day. We all had a scary day. But it's OK now. I won't let Chloe hurt you ever...You were such a good girl today. Yes, it's ok, don't cry, sweetie. It's all ok." Susan rocked Suzie slowly and held her closer. Suzie's cries faded to happy cooing. "Yes, it's OK now sweetie. Mommy's here."


	4. Not Here, Not Now

AN: Mid-season 2...just in case you were wondering..not after any specific epsiode, just in there, long before "fevers of unknown origin."  
  
  
Mark and Susan strolled happily by the river, pushing Suzie's stroller together. Susan had agreed to walk Mark over to County, even though she didn't have a shift that day. It was a beautiful day, even though they were all bundled up in winter jackets. There was, surprisingly enough, not a lot of wind, and it was warm for the end of fall.   
  
"So, how's Rachel?"  
  
"Sick. She has the flu. Seems she always gets sick on *my* weekends. Wonder how Jenn manages to keep her healthy the rest of the time."  
  
"Mark, she's not trying to..OK, she's _probably_ not trying to keep Rachel away from you. But she can't do it forever."  
  
"guess not. What about this little baby girl? Anything new with Suzie?"  
  
"Nothing really, she's just being her cute self."  
  
"And how are you, Susan? you look tired."  
  
"Mark, stop it. You know I'm fine."  
  
"Has Chloe been around lately?"  
  
"No, not really. She called last week, but she hasn't shown up anywhere."  
  
"Good. So we're on for dinner tonight, right?"  
  
"Well, I couldn't find a babysitter...but you could come over and I'll cook you dinner."  
  
"Wonderful. See you around 7, OK? My shift ends at 6:30."  
  
"perfect. See you then."  
  
Mark leaned over and kissed Susan. "Mark...I think maybe, in front of the hospital...I mean, you know how rumors get around here..."Suzie began to cry, cutting off Susan's anxious explanation.   
  
"I understand. See you later. Bye Suzie!" Mark waved as he walked into the hospital  
  
"So, Mark, you and Susan..."  
  
"Not a word, Lydia. Not a damn word. I don't want to hear it...and no one else had better hear it either."   
  
"Alright Mark, but the rumors are flying already...I'm not stopping them."  
  
Mark sighed as he walked into the lounge to get his lab coat.   
  
  
  
OK, another note from me...the next chap is extremely long(4 pages and not done yet) so it may take a while to finish writing AND type..be patient, it'll be good, I swear! :)~~Thanks for r/r! ~~~Thena


	5. Hold Me Tight and Never Let Me Go

AN: ok, I worked for ages on this, and just typing it up was hard enough...I'd appreciate some good reviews, more than a few words, but something is better than nothing, so if you can't think of anything to say, just quickly tell me what you thought...:)~~~~~ Thena!  
  
  
"Susan, it's OK, come on. Talk to me. You can tell me...please."  
  
"Mark, I came home today, and the apartment was empty. It was the first time in..forever...that that's happened. The first time I've been all alone since Suzie was born. I didn't come home and put her down for her nap, I didn't have to heat up any bottles or play with stuffed animals...but I wanted to. I always wondered what it would be like to come home and just take a nap. But I couldn't sleep knowing Chloe had her."  
  
"She left this morning?"  
  
"Yeah... I feel so alone, Mark! I mean..it's like someone ripped my heart out and put it back in, just to take it out again. So I could watch it beat while I died."  
  
"Susan.." Mark sat with her on the couch. She stood up abruptly and picked up a stuffed bunny she had sat on. "I know, I know, it's hard...it's hard to lose someone you love."  
  
"Mark, did I ever tell you about how I got Suzie?"  
  
"No...I don't really remember when it happened, anyway. I'm sure you told me then."  
  
"I got a call that Chloe was in jail, and the police had Suzie. Chloe told them to call me. I raced over there...I almost got hit by about 10 cars on the way from the El stop to the station..I only had to cross two intersections. And when I got there, there was Suzie..a week old, screaming and crying in this police officer's arms. He looked lost. He was about 65 years old, and he told me he hadn't held a baby in years. I introduced myself, and he handed Suzie to me. She stopped crying right away...it was amazing. She was so adorable, just this perfect little girl...I couldn't believe this was the same little baby I had delivered only a week before."  
  
Susan nervously played with the little bunny's floppy ears. "I thought I got all of her stuff out of here, ya know? I thought Chloe had it all. Don't know how I could have missed this." Susan wiped away a tear and put down the stuffed animal.   
  
"Anyway, they let me see Chloe..she was drunk, high..I don't know. I couldn't even look at her. I always thought...I was just supposed to watch Suzie til Chloe got out of jail. But my darling little sister did it again. She was back in jail the day she got out. More drugs. So a few days became a week, which became a month, which became a few months. My house was covered with baby clothes, baby toys. My fridge was stocked with baby food, formula. Chloe got out of jail a lot, but she always ended up right back in there. After the first month, she never stayed in long, just a few short visits. She must've learned how to avoid the cops, and never to carry drugs outside of her apartment. She was smart...but she was so stupid too."  
  
"We didn't see Chloe much...there was the daycare incident, and one time at the apartment. A few phone calls. A few Chloe-scares. Nothing major...compared to this. Suzie walked for me, smiled for me, and I loved her. She might as well have been my baby. For most of her life, she was."   
  
"I never really believed Chloe could get clean. It just seemed like it would never happen. And then the judge tells me that Chloe's fine. Just like that, she gets my baby that night. And I had come to think of Suzie as my baby. I thought I had a right to. But she was Chloe's baby."  
  
"She's your neice, Susan. And you're a great aunt." Susan sat down next to him, leaning back on the couch.   
  
"But I want to be more." Susan paused, then picked up the bunny again. "And then there was that judge...she didn't know Chloe. She didn't know me, or Joe. But she never even met Suzie. No one could know what we've been through..what Chloe put us through. But she tried..or pretended to...and she took my baby away from me." Susan was holding the bunny in her arms, like a baby. Mark put his arms around her and let her lean on his shoulder.   
  
She was hurting so much, and Mark just wanted to help her. He wanted to hold her and let her cry, or talk, or whatever she had to do. But she kept jumping up, rocking that stupid yellow rabbit and walking to the window, staring down at the street. He tried to keep his arms around her, to help her to feel safe. So she knew he was there for her. That he loved her.   
  
"And she's gone now, Mark. I don't have my baby. I never really thought that Chloe would take her from me. Even if she could handle Suzie..even if she could win 'mother of the year'...I never thought she'd even _consider_ taking Suzie from me. I thought she knew how much I love her. Suzie, I mean."  
  
"Suzie, I do think that Chloe's really gotten it together. I don't think you have to worry about that. And I know it's hard...when I first moved away from Jenn and Rachel, I was alone for the first time in...well, since I met Jenn. 15 years ago. It's weird...it's tough."  
  
"I didn't get to say goodbye, really. They just drove away and I was standing there, watching them leave. Watching Suzie cry as they pulled away, wanting to run after her and make her feel better. I spent my whole adult life watching out for my little sister. Making sure she was OK, her kid was OK. She was no angel before she was pregnant. Drug addict, alcoholic, even then. But I have to admit, she cared about Suzie...in her own little way. She found out she was pregnant a week into her 1st trimester, and she quit everything that day. She didn't touch any drugs, any drinks... hell, she didn't even have coffee. I told her what could happen if she didn't quit doing drugs, and she begged me to watch her, not to let her do anything to hurt her little baby. _'please Susie, help me. I don't want anything to happen to my little girl.'_ that's what she said. She knew she was having a girl, even then. But once her dear daughter was born, it was back to the wild life for Chloe. But she still tried to give Suzie a chance from the beginning. Gotta give her credit for that. She said she named her Suzie because she wanted her to turn out like me...she wanted her to be _'a smart girl, not to make all the stupid choices I did. I want a little girl like you, Susie, a perfect little angel.'_ Mark, if I'm such an angel, why do I just want to steal Suzie away from her and never let Chloe see her again?"  
  
Mark took the stuffed bunny that Susan was holding. He set it down on the floor behind the couch, out of Susan's sight. She reached for it, looking for something to hold to take the place of her neice. Finding nothing, she leaned against Mark, defeated and exhausted, and began to sob and shake. He put an arm around her back. She crossed her legs under her body and turned to him, tears flowing from her blue-green eyes. She put her head on his chest, letting her tears fall onto his green scrubs.   
  
"I think you need some rest, Susan. Why don't you go to bed?" She nodded weakly. He could barely feel the motion of her head against him. Mark helped her up and put his arm around her shoulders as he walked her to her bedroom. "Want to get changed? I'll wait outside." She shook her head.   
  
"Don't leave me."  
  
"Susan, it's a few seconds. You really should get changed, you'll be more comfortable."  
  
"Don't leave." She pleaded, like a helpless child. "I'll get changed, just don't leave me."  
  
Mark glanced at her skeptically. Any other time, he would have said no, but Susan was crying and shaking, gripping his arm and begging him to stay. She needed him there for her, and being in the next room wouldn't do. He tried not to look as he sat on the bed and stared at the wall. Her sobs became frustrated noises as she tried to undo the buttons of her shirt, but she was shaking too much. She walked over to him and looked at him sadly. Mark moved closer to her, letting her hug him and cry. He felt like grabbing her and kissing her, but she was too upset, too vulnerable. And he loved her. He didn't want to do anything to take advantage of their friendship and her loss. He gently undid her shirt buttons and pulled a t-shirt over her head. She was steadier now, with him there to help her. She managed to get on her flannel pajama pants on her own.   
  
"Thank you, Mark."  
  
"It's no problem, Susan. Now you'd better get into bed. I'm going to go after you fall asleep, but I'll come back in the morning." He pulled the covers back and help her hand as she climbed into bed. He tucked her in carefully and smoothed her hair gently. _*like I used to tuck Rachel in*_ he thought. She smiled at him before drifting off to sleep.   
  
Mark turned out the lights and walked out into the living room. He grabbed his lab coat and walked out the door, closing it behind him and checking to see that it was locked. Walking into the cool night, he glanced up at Susan's window and smiled at the image of her furniture silhouetted against the lights in the living room, with one large shadow of a bunny against the back of the couch.


	6. Track 6

AN: ok, ok, I know i messed up in the previous chapter...that's not how Susan got Suzie...but i think it's cute, so I'm not gonna change it. ::sticks out tounge:: So there. All ya need to know for this chap is that it's _ Mark_ in italics and Susan without italics. Enjoy and write a review!  
  
  
_ She's leaving. She's leaving me and I have to go catch her before it's too late. I need to tell her how I feel about her before she leaves and never comes back._  
  
I can't believe I'm doing this. Everything is changing so quickly. If I step onto that train, I'll never see Chicago again. Once I'm with my family I won't be able to leave. No more County, no more empty little apartment. No more Mark. That one hurts the most. He's my best friend...he's been there through all of this. I feel so awful leaving him after all he's done for me. But I need to be with Suzie. That day he kissed me, though...I don't really know why he did it. He never showed any interest in me like that again. But I felt something there. It's probably why I stopped him...I mean, there are enough rumours already. But I can't start loving him now. He's my best friend and I'm leaving him. The most important choices always feel the worst to make.   
  
_ There she is...She's so wonderful. How can I do this to her? She knows I want to say something. She's waiting for me to speak. I don't think that I can do this...but I have to. I force the words out of my mouth and she stares at me. Then that one perfect kiss...so soft and sweet, but filled with passion. And then she's gone. Gone. Dammit. Did I really think I could get her to stay with me? I couldn't ask...I shouldn't have asked her to pick me over Suzie. Then I see her once more, yelling to me, her emerald green eyes shining even in the dim lights of the station. She loves me too. But she's leaving now, leaving me here. The train pulls away slowly, and I know that she is never coming back. _   
  
He loves me. All this time, I never really knew it. But he feels the same way I feel. I wanted to jump off the train and run back to him. I don't want to leave him now. But I have to go to Suzie. She's my life, she's everything. Or I thought she was. Then there's Mark, possibly the love of my life. I'm being pulled in two different directions and I'm just about ready to cut myself in half so I can be in 2 places at once. I can't make this choice. If Chloe had only stayed here in chicago, I wouldn't have to choose. I could see Suzie and still be with Mark. I almost wish now that I hadn't yelled back to him. Why did I DO that to him? He looked like he was amazed and in love, then his face crumbled and he looked like he wanted to throw himself on the train tracks. I shouldn't have done that to him right before I left. But I love him. I could get off now, but the train begins to move out of the station, making the decision for me. I settle back in my seat, eyes tearing, and try to sleep on the way to Arizona. If I sleep, I won't have to think about Mark and the way I let the man I love get away. Or rather, how I ran away from him.


	7. Catching Up

AN: OK, here's where this is all mine, except the people we know and love. Allie and any patients are mine so ::sticks tongue out:: thanks for r/r everyone! :)..and there IS more coming, i swear!  
  
  
The desk clerk at County snapped her gum loudly and tapped on the counter with her long, brightly painted nails. She was a temp who filled in for Frank when he called in sick, and he was in Boston on vacation for the week.   
  
"Could you please just find Dr. Greene for me? It's important." And exasperated woman tried to explain to Allie, the young girl.   
  
"Look, if you want to wait in chairs, he'll be out soon. He's with a patient."   
  
"He'll want to see me. Just tell him I'm here."  
  
Giving up the argument which had been going on for at least 10 minutes, Allie called Abby over. "Can you get Mark from exam 2? This woman says she needs to see him."   
  
"Sure Allie." Abby turned and walked towards the exam rooms.   
  
_ She reminds me of Randi_ the woman thought, looking at the girl who was now answering the phone. She almost laughed out loud, but stopped herself. She tightened her grip on the hand of the 6-year old girl who was standing with her.   
  
"Couldn't you have told this woman I was with a patient?"  
  
"Tried it, Mark. She's not going away. Doesn't look sick though." Abby replied. She led Mark to the admin desk. As he rounded the corner, he saw a ratty old stuffed animal clutched in a child's hand. The blue and pink bear had faded to a dull gray, but it was unmistakably the cherished Mr. B. He raced in front of Abby and saw the last person he ever expected to see come into Cook County General Hospital again.   
  
He approached the woman, drawn in by her emerald eyes. She released the young girl's hand and threw her arms around Mark's neck. Drawing back, she kissed him passionately. Abby saw it, but she pretended she didn't. Seeing it meant she had to tell Elizabeth, and she didn't want to be the one to break the news.   
  
"ewww gross Aunt Susie!" the girl exclaimed, interrupting the moment. Mark was just glad Elizabeth had decided to start her maternity leave a few weeks earlier.   
  
"Susan...it's been too long."  
  
"Yeah...I missed you, Mark."   
  
"I missed you too. And this must be Suzie! She's so big!"  
  
"Yeah, her birthday was yesterday."  
  
"Happy Birthday Suzie!"  
  
"Thank you. I'm 6." She held up the appropriate number of fingers, just in case Mark didn't get it.   
  
"You're welcome. You're getting to be quite a nice young lady."  
  
"Thank you. Aunt Susie, who is he?"  
  
"Your uncle Mark. Remember, I told you about him on the plane?"  
  
"Yeah. Hi uncle Mark." Mark and Susan laughed uncomfortably at him being "uncle mark" and her being "aunt susie".   
  
"Mark, who was that new desk clerk I saw? She's like a teenybopper version of Randi."  
  
"Oh, it's Allie. She's filling in for the week." "What time is your shift over?"   
"7, but I'm going to lunch in 10 minutes if the traumas cooperate. Want to go to Doc Magoo's?"  
  
"Sure, it'll give us a chance to catch up."  
  
"And Abby Lockhart, this is Susan Lewis."  
  
"NIce to meet you."  
  
"You too." Susan smiled as she took Suzie's hand. "I'm going to go find Doug and Carol."  
  
"They..um, don't work here anymore."   
  
"Really? what happened?"   
  
"They live in Seattle, with their twin girls."  
  
"Oh, how sweet! What about Carter? Don't tell me he's gone too!"  
  
"No, Carter, Kerry, Benton and most of the nurses are still here."  
  
"Great. I'm off to find Carter." She turned around, hugging Mark and then walking to the exam rooms with Suzie to find Carter.  
  
"Mark?" Abby asked.  
  
"I know, I know...she worked here about 4 years ago..we were in love, but she had to move. Haven't seen her since. Geez Abby, what do I DO?"  
  
"You still love her?"   
  
"More than ever, but that's not the point. It's not like that. What I meant was, should I tell Elizabeth?"


	8. It's All Coming Back Now

"Well well well, if it isn't little John Carter."   
  
Carter whirled around on the little rolling stool. "Dr. Lewis, is that you?"   
  
"Yep! And it's Susan, John. You aren't a little med student anymore."  
  
"Alright, Susan. How are you? What brings you to Chicago?"  
  
"Just visiting. I'm fine, and yourself?"  
  
"Fine. Is this Suzie? She's so big! What is she, 6 now?" He remembered the day Suzie was born, smiling.   
  
"Yeah, her birthday was yesterday."  
  
"Happy Birthday."   
  
"Thank you." Suzie was getting used to people she didn't know saying happy birthday. It seemed to be happening a lot.   
  
"So, Susan, what's been going on with you?"  
  
"Well, I'm working in Phoenix, which is really great, but I miss Chicago. I live right near Suzie, and I stay over with her sometimes, we have little sleepovers sometimes...it's great! I love the hospital I work at, and I love being close to my family. Besides, Phoenix has better weather than Chicago!"  
  
"Geez, take a breath Susan!" he joked. "No, really, I'm glad you're happy. We miss you around here." What he meant was, HE had missed her.   
  
"Thanks. What's new with you?"  
  
Carter groaned. "You really think you want to know?"  
  
"that bad?"  
  
He nodded, putting down the charts he had been catching up on in the empty exam room. she sat on the other rolling stool and wheeled it over near his, bumping into his stool, causing him to spin quickly towards the bed. "Sorry Carter!" she laughed as she reached for his hand, pulling him back over to her. "You can tell me SOMETHING for sure, Carter. It's been 4 years..nothing you want to talk about?"  
  
Sighing, Carter prepared himself to tell the story. "I was..attacked by a patient. He stabbed me and my med student in the back. She....she didn't survive." He put a hand up to his forehead, feeling the tiny scar from the she had kicked him during her "tae-bo lesson". It was a small cut, and it shouldn't have scarred, but it did, and so he had a constant reminder of Lucy. Thinking of the other events of that day...his eyes began to tear, but he blinked them away.  
  
"John, I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to make you..."  
  
"No, it's OK. You didn't know... and it was over a year ago, it's ok."   
  
Susan knew the time didn't make a difference, she could tell by his pained expression. If he had had a mirror, he could have seen how unconvincing his lie had been.   
  
Carter wasn't going to tell Susan about his drug problems. He had liked her...a lot...and he still didn't want her to think badly of him. Especially after her problems with Chloe's addiction, he didn't want her to know he was just as...imperfect...as anyone else.  
  
"Dammit! I promised Mark I'd meet him for lunch and I planned to take Suzie up to daycare." Susan glanced at her watch, hoping the exam room clock was slightly fast so she had time to run upstairs. It wasn't. "Can you...I really wouldn't ask, but can you tell Mark I'll be a little late?"  
  
"Hey, you go meet him, I'll watch Suzie for you."   
  
"No, Carter, it's ok. You have work, patients..."  
  
"I'm not on for 3 hours. I just came to do some charts. It's no problem, don't worry."   
  
"Thanks John! I'll page you when I'm ready to pick her up!" She flashed her beaming smile at him and said goodbye to Suzie, telling her to be good.   
  
"Have fun with Dr. Greene!" He smiled at her as she left the room to meet Mark. He wasn't really happy enough for his fake smile. Not only had she reminded him of Lucy, but she had reminded him of his feelings for her and THEIR almost kiss.   
  
"Damn, do I try to kiss EVERY woman I work with?" he asked himself silently, shaking his head.


	9. We Need To Talk.....

"Hey...Allie is it?"   
  
"Yeah. You're the one who was looking for Dr. Greene, yeah?"   
  
"Yes. I found him...but I'm supposed to meet him for lunch. Where is he?"  
  
"Trauma 1"  
  
"Thanks." She headed for the trauma rooms.   
  
"You can't go in there!" Allie yelled, making no real effort to stop her.   
  
"Yes I can. Dr. Susan Lewis. I used to work here, and I need to find Mark." Allie sighed, knowing she couldn't stop Susan even if she wanted to try and turned back to her Cosmo.   
  
Susan mouthed to Mark *how long?*  
  
*Sorry, go on without me. i'll meet you for dinner.*  
  
*it's ok, meet me in the lounge after this trauma*  
  
*ok, about 20 minutes*   
  
She walked away from the trauma room doors as she heard Kerry screaming for the rib spreader.   
  
*****  
  
Susan held a large paper bag of takeout from Doc Magoo's as she stuffed quarters into the soda machine. Thankfully it released the ice cold colas with less trouble than the vending machines that had been around when she worked at County. She balanced the cold cans in her arms next to the bag and made her way to the lounge. She hunted for paper plates and cups in the cabinets, grabbing napkins from the counter. She set up the round table in the middle of the lounge for a nice lunch.   
  
*****   
  
Mark sighed as he opened the door to the lounge. He had been working for way too long.   
  
"Hey, Susan, sorry about lunch. How about..." He trailed off before he could suggest making it up to her with dinner. The table was neatly set and sandwiches lay on the plates. 2 cans of coke were placed in the middle of the table and Susan was seated, waiting.   
  
"Hey, I wasn't giving up on lunch so easily after all this time!" He sat next to her, staring at her radiant smile. Her hair was almost the same length he remembered it. Her eyes were just as bright and she was just as beautiful....he pushed the thought out of his head, reminding himself of his very pregnant fiancee at home.   
  
"Susan, are these Doc Magoo's turkey sandwihes?" she nodded. "I can't believe you remembered!"  
  
"How could I forget?" She smiled again at him, almost melting his heart. He looked away and then began to eat. She made polite conversation while they ate, side by side at the table. She asked about Rachel, he asked about Suzie, she asked about County, he asked about Phoenix. No one mentioned dating, love lifes, or pregnant fiancees, although Mark probably should have.   
  
"Listen, Mark...I felt awful leaving you when I did...I didn't mean to hurt you, and I'm sorry."  
  
"It's OK, Susan...it hurt, and I miss you...I always have. But you had to go. I know that. I never held it against you, I just missed you."  
  
"I missed you too, Mark. And I wanted to come see you again because..."  
  
"Why?"   
  
"Mark, I still love you. I know, it's been a long time, but..." She trailed off and looked into his eyes. She leaned closer to him, pressing her lips onto his, wrapping her arms around him. He could have stopped her immediately. He should have. But he let her kiss him for a few seconds before he pulled slowly away.   
  
"Susan...I have to talk to you about something..."  
  
*****  
  
Elizabeth ran (or waddled quickly in her rather pregnant state) away from the lounge window out the automatic doors, not believing what she had just seen. She tried to make it back to the El, but she had to sit down on the curb in the ambulance bay, trying to find some reason to explain what she had just seen. But there was none. She burst out into tears and sat with her head in her hands for a few moments before collecting herself and walking out to the El station so she could get home. She hoped Mark had a good explanation when he got home, or he'd be incredibly sorry.


	10. Let's Just Enjoy The Moment

AN: continuation of 9, but I just wanted to end 9 with the whole angry hormonal Elizabeth thing:):):)...by the way, this takes place after "survival of the fittest" and "April Showers"(this week's ep)never happened! not yet! AGH! it does NOT exist! I should have said that before. ok, so here goes!   
  
  
"Susan...after you left...a long time after you left...well, there's a surgeon here... Elizabeth Corday."  
  
Susan nodded, indicating that he should go on. "Well, she and I sort of... started dating, and it got kinda serious and...wow, I really don't know how to put this... we're engaged."  
  
Susan stared at him. She blinked a few times. Finally, she smiled at him. "Wow! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you both!"  
  
"And I'm about to be a daddy...for the second time around."  
  
"Oh! Congratulations again! What good news! Listen, Mark, I'm sorry...If I had known, I never would have kissed you...twice...I hope there are no hard feelings...I just missed you."  
  
"Susan, it's OK! I understand, really. But I'm sure you went on with life in Phoenix...any more blind dates?"  
  
"No way! After Tad, I was done with blind dates forever!"  
  
"Hey, didn't you climb out the bathroom window on that one?"  
  
"Yeah, well, if I had to take one more second of hearing about that ex-girlfriend of his, I think I would have stabbed him with my fork!!!"  
  
"Now Susan, as I recall, that was NOT your last blind date...I remember a certain carnival where we had to abandon our dates...now what do you say to THAT!"  
  
"Oh wow, I'd almost forgotten! That photo booth...I'll have to teach you how to use those things, you're hopeless! I still have those pictures...I think there's 1 of you actually looking at the little camera!"  
  
They grinned at each other. "That was great...See, some blind dates don't turn out all bad!"  
  
"I can't believe you still remember that, Mark! I mean, you even remember Tad!"  
  
"How could I forget! That sounded horrible... you made the right choice escaping like that!"   
  
"But you're right, I guess, that carnival date ended up pretty well, after all...geez, I don't know why I'm bringing this up. You're engaged. You don't want to talk about this now."  
  
"Susan...come on. Don't do this...let's just have a fun lunch. Let's not start this now, I just want to enjoy this visit." She agreed, and told him all about the hospital in Phoenix. It sounded like a great opportunity for her, just the kind of place she would fit in.   
  
"So, anything else new with you?"  
  
"Rachel's flying in soon, come for a visit...whenever we have our wedding. I don't know, we had to push the date back because Elizabeth wasn't feeling well. With the baby and all. So who knows when it'll happen...if it'll happen." he added, rubbing the top of his head nervously.   
  
"What does that mean? You think you'll have to cancel it?"   
  
"Ummm..I REALLY don't know how to say this...Earlier in the year I was dignosed with cancer. I had surgery, and so far it hasn't come back, but the doctors said I only had 6-9 months with treatment...it's been about 4."  
  
Susan's hand flew to her mouth. "What..."she collected herself slightly and continued. "what kind of cancer?"  
  
"glioblastoma multiforme" he recited. He had memorized it, thinking every night about what those 2 words could do to him. She looked at him, and he pointed to his head.   
  
"Mark...oh my god, Mark..." She burst out into tears and he put his arms around her.   
  
"Susan, it's ok. I'm fine right now. And I got to see you again...I never thought I would."   
  
That only made Susan cry harder. "Oh god, to think I wasn't planning to visit until next fall....Oh god, I almost didn't get to see you!" Mark continued to hold her and comfort her, not even noticing how odd it was for him to be reassuring her about his death. It was always like this before. Mark was the strong one, the one who could take care of it all. He could run an ER by himself, he could scare off a drunken sister, he could save the patient, then run over and comfort Susan when she was depressed. He could do it all, no sweat. This was no different, he told himself.   
  
"Susan...I'm OK now, I have time. Don't...I mean, it's gonna be OK. and I'm glad you're here, but I want to try to have a nice lunch...I know it's bad news, but we're both here now. We should enjoy our time together. please?"  
  
She nodded and sat up, wiping away a few tears. They poilshed off the sandwiches and sodas and sat back on their chairs, trying to find something to talk about.   
  
"Chloe and Joe had a baby... a little boy. His name is Matt...he's almost 3 months old. You want to see a picture?"  
  
"Yeah, of course!" Susan pulled out her wallet and showed him the smiling baby.   
  
"That was when he was 2 months old. With Suzie...at my birthday party. Chloe and Joe won't let a year go by without a party. Every birthday, every holiday, we have a party. Mom and Dad moved down near us, they wanted to see the baby and Suzie more...so now we have family gatherings... maybe a little too often!"  
  
"They're adorable!" Mark and Susan chatted for a while before Mark looked anxiously at his watch. "Damn, Susan, we've been having lunch for almost 25 minutes. I think I should go back to work. How about I meet you tomorrow? You should come over and meet Elizabeth."  
  
"Mark, I really don't think that's a good idea. I'm...we...it's just a bad idea."  
  
"Alright, then I'll talk to you tomorrow...or later. Call me." He reached into his pocket for a pen and paper. Realizing he was out of paper, he went to his locker and grabbed another little notepad from the top shelf. He scribbled his number on the top sheet and handed it to Susan. As the locker door swung shut, he rubbed his head and re-opened the locker, grabbing a bottle of asprin from the shelf.   
  
"Mark, what is it?"  
  
"Headache is all. No biggie."   
  
"Mark..."   
  
"Susan, people get headaches. I've been working forever, I need to grab a nap in a bit. It's nothing, really."  
  
Susan remained unconvinced. "Mark, I really think you should go for a CT. I mean, this could be more than a headache. Please?"   
  
He could see that she wouldn't feel right until she knew he was OK. Convinced as he was that the pain was nothing, he agreed to go upstairs. Susan looked at him expectantly. "Now?" She nodded anxiously. "OK, let me tell Kerry I'm going." She walked with him to find Kerry and then up to get his CT.   
  
*****  
  
Susan sat next to Mark while the CT was being analyzed. The damn doctors wouldn't show them the films until they had checked them over. "Dr. Lewis, Dr. Greene, I'm afraid I have some bad news."


	11. Good News And Bad News

AN: it's been a while! **dusts off notebook cover** hope you like! with the recent news on Sherry Stringfeld(no longer much of a spoiler, everyone's heard) I decided to pick it up before anything really happened on ER, lest I be accused of copying!~~Thena  
  
  
"Elizabeth, just calm down, please let me explain!"  
  
"Calm down? Mark, I will not calm down! I just took time from my day to come visit my fiancee and when I arrive, what do I see? You launching Susan Lewis in the lounge! What's wrong with you? Do you think that just because I'm on maternity leave I'm not going to come visit you? I'm carrying your child here! Have some bloody common sense! I'd storm out of here right now if I could! Now if you'll excuse me, you're standing in front of the bathroom door, and I am NOT afraid to knock you down!"  
  
She pushed past him and he stepped quickly out of the way, too shocked to speak. After several attempts, he thought of something to say. He could hear her in the bathroom, but she was only in there to cry. He knocked on the door lightly. "Elizabeth, it's not what you think, honestly. Can I talk to you? Let me explain, please. I'd never do anything to hurt you, and I just want to explain."  
  
Sniffling, she opened the door and looked at him, tears still falling. "Mark, what is there to explain?"  
  
"That was Susan Lewis, Elizabeth. I mean, _ Susan_. We had our chance and neither of us took it. She and I hadn't had time to talk, so I didn't get to tell her about you. And when she kissed me, I told her. I know it must have hurt you to see that, and I'm sorry you had to go away thinking what you did. But I love _you_ Elizabeth. I hope you trust me enough to believe me."  
  
"Of course I do, Mark, it was just...awful. But I know you would never...I'm just a bit emotional."  
  
"I know that. But Elizabeth...There is something I need to tell you, and I'd like you to sit down."  
  
"Mark, what's wrong?" His serious tone and pained face worried her.  
  
"I had a headache today, and Susan insisted I get a CT. I'd just told her about the cancer. I thought I was wasting a lot of money, but she begged me. And because she was so worried, I went. And..."  
  
Elizabeth clasped a hand over her mouth. "Mark." The single word rang out in the house, echoing off the walls, the British accent growing softer and farther away. The helpless utterance spoke volumes.   
  
"I went to the doctor...and there's a very low chance...of survival with treatment. I don't think I can do it all again, Elizabeth."  
  
"I understand." She spoke softly, her voice distant, still trying to process the thought that the man she loved was dying. Her eyes filled with tears and she unsuccessfully tried to blink them back. She stood and hugged Mark, knowing she wouldn't have too much time to do it in the future. To never feel his arms around her again...it was a scary thought.   
  
"It's going to be OK, Elizabeth. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will all end up OK. I don't want you to worry. I want to make the most of my time with you." It was the wrong thing to say. Elizabeth began crying much harder, her whole body shaking with sobs. He loved her, and he wanted desperately to comfort her, but he was the one who needed a shoulder to cry on. And he knew where he could find it, too. *Stop it, Mark! You can't run to Susan every time you have a problem anymore. You need to talk to Elizabeth* he reminded himself. But when she was crying and offering no support, it was hard to listen to himself.  
  
"Mark, how will I ever live without you? You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."  
  
"Elizabeth, I know...I know. Now, why don't we get some dinner. A trauma came in almost right after lunch, and I spent the entire afternoon running around the ER. I'm starved."  
  
"OK Mark." She tried to wipe away the tears and wash off her tear streaked face. Mark put his arm around her gently and led her to the door, locking it behind them. She wanted to support him and comfort him, but the thought of losing him was too painful.   
  
They didn't speak in the car on the way to dinner. Elizabeth knew that if she tried, she'd just start crying again, and Mark had nothing to say. He needed some support, he needed to talk. He decided to find Carter in the morning. Carter had been through a lot. He could talk to Mark and help him out. Mark knew who he really needed to talk to, but he wouldn't let himself think that. He couldn't, because it would be too easy just to slip back into old times. And everything had changed. It wasn't all so simple anymore.   
  
*****  
  
Susan Lewis sat in her hotel room, staring blankly out the window. Suzie lay on the small rollaway cot, breathing contentedly with the covers twisted around her tiny body. Susan broke out of her trance and shook her head, as if trying to clear her thoughts. Mark was dying. Soon. Glancing at Suzie, Susan wiped off her tear-streaked face and picked up the phone.   
  
"Hello, I need to book a flight from O'Hare to Sky Harbor International. 2, one child, six years old. And one round trip adult. Tonight, if possible. Perfect."


	12. Caffine and Alcohol Both Work

Mark walked slowly into the ER, and was immediately approached by Dave.  
  
"Dr. Greene, there's a guy in 3, 82 years old, ordered a GGF, need you to take him. I'm off."  
  
"Stay with your patient, Malucci. Don't dump him on me." Mark walked by the admit desk, where Allie sat doing her nails. "Has Susan Lewis been by?"  
  
"The one you were making out with in the hall? Nope."  
  
"Grow up, Allie. And don't talk about that again...ever." He began to walk away, but stopped. "And if she calls, or shows up, page me." He went to the board, but found no unclaimed patients.   
  
"Light day, huh?" Carter remarked as he looked at the board.  
  
"Yeah. Hey Carter. I might have to let Malucci dump a patient on me, otherwise I might not see any patients at all."  
  
"Oh, Dr. Lewis called from Arizona this morning looking for you. She had to drop Suzie off with Chloe and Joe, and she said she'll be back late tonight or early tomorrow. She said she's got to look for an apartment or something...Is she moving back here?"  
  
"Well Carter...the cancer's back. Guess she wants to stick around."  
  
"Oh. Sorry, Dr. Greene."  
  
"Not your fault, Carter." He said as he walked to Exam 3, hoping to take the patient.   
  
"Hi Dr. Greene."  
  
"Dr. Chen, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Malucci had to go."  
  
"So he dumped a patient on you?"  
  
"Yeah, well, it's a slow day. I did charts all morning."  
  
"So then you know why I'm here."  
  
"You want to take it?"  
  
"No, I'll get some coffee...maybe get some charts done myself."  
  
"OK then, see you later."  
  
"Bye." He walked away from the exam room as Chen headed in. When she introduced herself to the patient, Mark could hear his *pleasant* comments.  
  
"Come on, doc, my fever's climbing Mount Everest!"  
  
"So stick your head in the snow!" Mark laughed at Jing-Mei's cold reply, glad he hadn't taken the grumpy patient after all. He grabbed some charts from his box at the admit desk which he'd been meaning to finish. He took them to the lounge and poured himself a cup of coffee, sitting at the little table. Kerry loudly opened the door and limped her way to the coffee pot.   
  
"Hi Mark, I hear Susan was around yesterday."  
  
"Yeah, she should be back tomorrow." He really didn't want to talk about Susan Lewis at the moment.  
  
"So...slow day, huh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ummmm..."  
  
"Kerry, can you just let me enjoy my tea?"  
  
"Your what?" She asked, looking at the steaming mug of coffee he was holding.   
  
"My coffee." He said, as if he hadn't said anything wrong.  
  
"Did you say tea?"  
  
"Don't think so, Kerry."  
  
"Alright Mark, whatever you say...or didn't say." She looked at him sadly before spilling her coffee in the sink and banging her way out the door. She suddenly wasn't in the mood for a drink anymore.  
  
_ She's right. Dammit, it's back._  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Susan sat alone on the plane. It was fairly empty, and there was no one sitting in the seats beside her. She usually liked going on flights like this, the only flights she could stand to be on. She was still scared to death of flying, but she needed to get to Phoenix and back quickly. She had to fly for conferences a few times, but she always got nervous and tried to back out. And she took the train as much as possible.   
  
She tapped the seat in front of her nervously, receiving an angry look from its occupant, a rather muscular man. She began to drum on her armrests, then reached into her bag and grabbed a book. Rather than reading, she held it open in front of her as she made a mental checklist of all the things she was supposed to do.   
  
_ OK, Chloe's going to send those 2 extra boxes today...I called the landlady from my old building, I have to go drop my stuff off there...visit Mark at County...Call the hospital and tell them why I won't be at work...Get a position at County maybe?_  
  
She couldn't think of anything else to do, so she settled back and tried to sleep. All of her efforts failed, and she was never so happy to see the flight attendant bring the drink cart around.   
  
"Can I get you something?"  
  
"Anything with alcohol," she joked. "No, really. I hate flying."  
  
~*~  
  
Susan was finally drifting off to sleep while reviewing her mental checklist. _ Oh yeah...I forgot. Tell Mark I love him._


	13. Back To The Old Days?

Mark leaned against the wall of the ambulance bay, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket as quickly as possible and snatching one out. His hand shook slightly as he lit it, but he pretended not to notice. There were a lot of things he had to pretend not to notice lately. Susan was supposed to meet him out here, she said she'd be there at 2. It was 2:30. He tapped his foot and looked at his watch again. 2:31.  
  
Susan looked at her watch anxiously as she ran down the flight of stairs from the El. 2:32. She was late. The plane had been only a few minutes late, but she'd gotten held up at her new apartment when the landlady didn't have a key for her. She was a sweet woman, but she was a bit forgetful. Susan hopped off the last step and headed into the ambulance bay, seeing Mark against the wall, smoking.  
  
"Hey, sorry I'm late. Landlady...you don't even want to know."  
  
"It's OK, I'm glad you're here." He inhaled slowly.  
  
"You shouldn't be smoking."  
  
"Why? Am I going to get cancer?" He shot back angrily, but still crushed the cigarette out on the ground with his shoe.  
  
"So, you're not Mr. Happy today?" Susan tried to get him to smile, but failed miserably. "OK, OK, sorry. Come on, don't mope like this."  
  
"Why shouldn't I? Kerry's on my back again, you'd think he'd leave me alone after all I've been through!" Susan had to fight back tears when she heard his mistake. She'd seen a lot of cancer patients while working in Phoenix, and she knew it was a bad sign.   
  
"Watch the pronouns, Mark."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You said he, not she."  
  
"Why can't you leave me alone! It's hard enough...I don't care if I mix up my pronouns, or say tea instead of coffee! I don't care if I'm sick, I don't want to be treated like a child!"  
  
"Mark, nobody wants to do this. Nobody wants for you to have cancer, or to have to remind you about your pronouns, or even to look at you and see you die. You chose not to get treatment, now you...Mark, soon you're not going to be able to do procedures. The hospital board, the chief of staff...no one's going to let you continue to work here. It's getting worse, Mark, and you need to stop pushing away the people who care about you. It's only just begun. You'll be treated more like a child if you throw tantrums. I thought we could have a nice time, meet and talk. I thought that I could come back and be a friend, I thought I wanted to be here for you. But if you're going to blow up at me....I can't see you like this. Try to control it, Mark. I know you can." Susan looked at him sadly and turned to go inside, maybe to see some other friends. She was stopped by the sound of Mark crying behind her. She turned again and faced him, her angry exterior crumbling at the sight of his pain.  
  
"Susan..." He began, but he couldn't finish. He couldn't, or didn't want to, find the words.   
  
"I know. I know." She looked at him for a moment, then, not knowing what else to do, wrapped her arms tightly around her old friend and let him sob against her shoulder. She resisted the urge to tell him it would be OK, knowing it would never be OK for him. It could only get worse from here. He looked up at her, tears in his eyes.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"I haven't done anything. All I did was yell, and I'm sorry."  
  
"No, I mean for not...crying, and getting all emotional. I told Elizabeth, after we found out, and...I ended up comforting her. It's nice for once to be able to...you know."  
  
"Don't go comparing me to her. I love you, Mark, and I wish you would have been available right now, but I'm in no rush to break up your family, especially with a baby on the way. I know how much little children need a family." The words slipped out, and she immediately stared at her shoes. "God Mark, I'm sorry."  
  
"Let's just call it 'not our day' and forget it, OK?" Mark tried his hardest to avoid the topic.   
  
"If that's what you really want. But I think you should talk to someone about it. Not necessarily me."  
  
"I'm dying, Susan. I don't feel like spending time in therapy. But I...you want to grab some coffee?"  
  
"Don't you ask me out!" she smiled widely, her entire face lighting up. "I'm kidding, Mark, geez! I'd love some coffee."  
  
He grinned as well, jokingly offering her his arm as they crossed the street. But his heart sank as he realized he just might have been asking her out.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Mark, you're kidding!"  
  
"Nope! She actually *ran* there!"  
  
"15 blocks? In her dress and those shoes...oh man, that must have been great! She was an awful runner anyway. Looked like a..." She struggled to remember what they had compared the old friend to.  
  
"See, now who's having speech problems." Mark looked at her smugly and then grinned.   
  
"Haha, very funny. But it's not that bad, Mark. You haven't replaced a pronoun since...since we were in the ambulance bay. You're doing fine, really."  
  
The aphasia wasn't as bad when he was with Susan, something neither noticed or could have explained. They both felt like it could have been '95 again, and they could have walked back into County and ordered med student Carter around, or said hi to Doug and Carol, or even Bob. They had slipped back into the best friends mode, the divorced man and the woman he asked out without really asking out. They were dancing around their feelings, and it was a dangerous dance. They were whirling around a flaming cauldron and it was about to tip over, and drown one or both in an endless flow of boiling liquid and pain. He wanted to forget it all, his crying fiance, unborn child, failed marriage, failed procedures, unsaved lives and his own unfixable, incurable disease. Because, as time had shown, it came back. And he wouldn't do it again, there was no way. He wouldn't be subjected to surgery and speech therapy just for it to come back and kill him later.  
  
"Susan, I..." He sighed, but continued on. "I want to tell you, if I had known you'd come back...I tried to wait, but it hurt too much. Elizabeth is great, she's pregnant, I know, but...You're you. And it's killing me to choose."  
  
"There is no choice, Mark. She's having your kid. I was stupid and scared, and I didn't call because I didn't know what you would say, or if you would want to speak to me. And I missed out. God, I missed out. But you found someone, and I can at least pretend to be happy about it. Don't make me show you how I really feel, because I don't want to compete for you. Not with her." She didn't want to compete, it was true, but she didn't want to because she didn't want to *have* to compete. She wanted Mark to run back to her, and forget all the things that had happened over the years she had been gone. But she knew it wouldn't happen, and so she wanted to distance herself from the family-to-be as much as possible. Not easy when she was trying to be supportive of Mark.   
  
"You don't mean that, Susan. And I don't know what I want. I mean, I love her, but...I always loved you. I think I even loved you while things were falling apart with Jenn. I might have loved you before then, since I met you. It feels like forever."  
  
"Mark...you're engaged. When is the wedding?"  
  
"It's supposed to be this month, but I put it off. I'm not dealing with it now, I can't."  
  
"Mark, if you don't do it soon..." She couldn't say what came next, but he knew what she was trying to say.  
  
"Maybe that's the point. I was totally ready for this, but...how can I do that? Marry her while I'm dying? So she can be my wife when I die? There's no point."  
  
"The point of marriage is love. And you love her."  
  
"It's funny. The ones I love usually leave me." He stared pointedly at Susan, recalling clearly that day at Union Station.  
  
"Ouch Mark." She said, only half-joking. "I didn't mean to leave you, you know. I didn't know until it was too late. I wanted to stay."  
  
"But you didn't. I know Suzie was the focus, I mean, I realize now. I was hurt then, but now...I guess it all worked out fine, Chloe and Joe are still letting you see her, you got your wish for a happy healthy Suzie, and I'm engaged, about to be a father, and dying. Sounds like a storybook ending to me."  
  
"You've got to be this sarcastic, don't you?"  
  
"It's fun." He tried to smile, but he was still trying to sort out his feelings.   
  
"Mark, you moved on, unlike me. I can't blame you for it."  
  
"But I can blame myself. Susan, now that you're here, all I want is you, and...I don't know what to do."  
  
"Mark, I think I should go."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I can't keep telling you not to go for me. I can't keep supporting your relationship with Elizabeth, especially since I haven't met her. I can't keep your hormones and your feelings in check anymore, because I'm about to go nuts and...plot to break you and Elizabeth up or something. If you want to talk, or hang out, call me." She handed him a slip of paper with her number on it. "And I came back to be here for you. So if you need me...I want to be here for you. I want to be your best friend again. Bye Mark." She stood up and placed some money on the table, walking out the door close to tears. She wanted him so badly, and now that she might not have missed her chance, she was telling him to stay with another woman. *Smooth move, Susan* she sighed, pulling out her own pack of cigarettes from her purse. She looked at the cigarette in her hand, realizing she hadn't smoked in months, maybe even half a year. But it didn't matter. Days like these called for some nicotine.


End file.
